In Praise of Peers

In the world of autism, we often look to a small army of people with titles and training for assistance-SLP's, PT's, OT's, social workers, psychiatrists, teachers, autism specialists, aides, etc. All of these people are great, and I'm glad that they exist. They all have helped Buddy Boy at one time or another.

But something that happened today reminded me of a whole other group of people that are often overlooked, but no less important. Peers. Sometimes just as much assistance (if not more) is provided by occasional individuals with no training, no title, and no pay.

We had a great day today. I was off work. The whole family went to a local cave where noted outlaw Jesse James once holed up. The kids loved walking thru the cave and looking at the stalagtites, stalagmites, and the underground river (although Sweet Pea complained the 40 minutes or so tour was "too long"). Both kids got a souvenir (Sweet Pea got a little unicorn, and Buddy Boy got a flashlight that could project pictures of dinosaurs on the walls). After going out to lunch we still had some time left, so I dropped Liz off and took the kids to our local park.

Who should we run into but Anna, who dedicated readers may remember as the blond girl from Kindergarten who befriended Buddy Boy almost two years ago now. When Buddy Boy was on the fringes and not participating at all, she would approach him and try to talk him into joining the group. She was low key, patient, and persistent. When other typical kids in his class were turned off by his either seeming to ignore them or shrieking at them, she continued to interact with him. And she ended up being one of the better things to happen to Buddy Boy during an otherwise difficult year.

Buddy Boy never got together with Anna outside of school, and when he went to two different schools this past year during first grade, one of our regrets was the loss of Anna as a friendly face for him to see in school.

When we got to the park today Buddy Boy first attempted to climb a crabapple tree that he sometimes likes to climb. Then he ran over to the playground equipment. I was assisting Sweet Pea climb the tree (if Buddy Boy does something, she just has to follow suit). It was then that I noticed the two of them talking. I thought it was Anna from across the playground, but I had only seen her a couple of times, and none recently. They were talking at the top of one of the slides, and I heard Buddy Boy shrieking, which he sometimes does when he gets excited. Usually this is somewhat frightening to most kids, but when this girl didn't run off it confirmed to me that it must have been her.

He followed her and they played on a couple of pieces of equipment. Then Sweet Pea insisted that she wanted to go over and play with them. Sweet Pea went over and quickly convinced them to play "Troll". Playing "Troll" at the playground involves yours truly being the troll who chases the other players and tries to catch and eat them. The troll chases but usually doesn't catch them, except maybe to tag them. Twenty minutes of this left me fairly worn out, but of course the kids could have gone on all afternoon. The kids continued to play a little more after that, then we had to get going.

It was great that Anna remembered Buddy Boy, and even better that she still accepted him as he was. There was a part of me that was afraid that she would have "matured" and been socialized in the last year and a half to reject those who are out of the ordinary. I'm not sure what it was that made her reach out to Buddy Boy when they were in school together, but I'm really happy she did. Sometimes I think it's the non-structured, spontaneous interactions that help Buddy Boy the most.

Here's hoping this is the start of a great Summer.

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Random funny thing overheard today (during minor spat between Buddy Boy and Sweet Pea):

"You're lucky that I'm not the kind of brother that would throw his sister into an active volcano that was still filling up with magma."

Speaking of Magma

Today we celebrated Sweet Pea's 5th birthday. She's been looking forward to this for weeks. We've been counting down the days. My daughter has enough exuberance for the whole family. She gets excited over the most ordinary things. So when things out of the ordinary happen, she's over the top. Yesterday she says "Tomorrow's my birthday, everybody's going to be there, and I'll get to have CAKE! and ICE CREAM!, and PRESENTS!!!" I didn't think she'd ever get to sleep last night.

Rather than have a large kids party, we went with a fairly sedate celebration with just family (immediate family, aunt, uncle, and one great aunt). She wasn't sure what kind of theme she wanted for her party, but just said "Just so it's not BOY stuff." So we went with butterflies and flowers (all over the walls, with some butterflies hanging from threads from the ceiling), with a sun hanging from the light above the dining room table.

During the day today Liz did Sweet Pea's nails. Sweet Pea has been wanting to have nail polish for some time now, and Liz said she couldn't have it until she was 5. It was the first thing Sweet Pea showed me when I got home. "Look, daddy!" "It's pink, my favorite color!" "First we put on the polish, then we put on some oil, then we had to let it sit for a loooong time."

We had salad and pizza for dinner, then the required cake, ice cream, and presents. Sweet Pea had a great time. Buddy Boy had picked out a birthday card for her (with her favorite on it-Disney princesses). He can be very thoughtful, and does know what his sister likes.

Buddy Boy likes to talk (about things HE likes to talk about). He goes to social skills classes, which we think are helping him in responding appropriately to others, as well as getting his needs across.

We're sitting at the dinner table talking about my sister's dogs. Sweet Pea asks if they are females (they both are), and expresses the wish that they'll have puppies. I try to placate Sweet Pea by saying that they won't have puppies because they're both female dogs, and you need a daddy dog and a mommy dog to make babies. My sister decides to tell her that they both had operations so that they wouldn't have any babies (more information than I would have given, but oh, well). Buddy Boy jumps in with "So they won't have any puppies, Sweet Pea. And speaking of Magma, did you know that it isn't called magma once it's out of the volcano. Then it's lava. And there are 3 different types of volcanoes. You'd know this if you watched my videos, dad. There are cinder cones, composite volcanoes, and shield volcanoes... ." He then went on for about 3 minutes straight talking about volcanoes, the Pacific "ring of fire" where many volcanoes are located, how you can't always tell that a volcano is really dormant, etc. before we finally cut him off.

My wife's aunt (84 years young) loved it. I think she was about to pee her pants. All of us found it fairly amusing. I admired the way Buddy Boy was able to spot a brief lull in the conversation, say something related, and steer the conversation (even if a bit crudely) to a topic he wanted to talk about. It's good to know he's getting our money's worth out of those social skills classes.

So all in all it was a great day. Sweet Pea had a good time, Buddy Boy was able to cope well for most of the party (though he and Sweet Pea did argue a bit about a doll she got with blond hair-he does like blonds, after all). And I didn't have to get into a long description of getting a dog spayed, and why, and answer questions about people getting spayed, etc.

And in checking on the net before I posted, I found out that geologists generally agree that there are 4 different types of volcanoes (how could Buddy Boy have forgotten Lava Domes?). I can't wait to tell him in the morning.

Joe is 211

This Gentleman Prefers Blonds

One thing that has always been a part of Buddy Boy’s makeup is that he hardly appears to be paying attention to his peers. While he likes adults, knows his teachers’ names, and can relate things that adults in his life did that day, he does not appear to care about kids his age. He doesn’t much like to play with other kids and rarely talks to them. When he comes home from school, he can relate no things he did with any other children, and even after being in the same class with the same kids for two years, could not name any other kids in the class. There is one notable exception to this rule.

My kid digs blond chicks.

This is the only conclusion I can come to, after considering the following:

When in pre-school, there was one girl whose name he knew, and that teachers mentioned he would (sometimes) talk to. It was a girl named Trudy, who happened to be blond.

When in Kindergarten, there was only one classmate that Buddy Boy ever was able to recall, Anna, who was blond. She often tried to look after Buddy Boy and include him with class activities, even though he rarely responded.

Finally, when Liz was taking him to a gym class the other day (run by a local OT who is great at getting Buddy Boy to participate), he indicates this girl in the class who is probably 9 years old (and blond) and tells Liz “That’s my love.” I guess it was all Liz could do to keep herself from cracking up at that point. Here was her son, who hardly ever interacts in any way we recognize with other kids, declaring his love for a girl he doesn’t know (by his own admission, she has only ever asked him “Could you go stand somewhere else?”).

I’m not sure where this “blond thing” comes from. Liz isn’t blond. None of the females in our families are blond. Buddy Boy’s birthmother isn’t blond. Did he have a good experience with Trudy in pre-school, and is now transferring what he feels is her essence (her being blond) to other kids? Is it some innate thing that is expressing itself? Has he internalized this from watching TV?

I am not sure where this has come from, but I wish I understood it, as it seems a powerful force.

I'd love to harness that force, just as long as it doesn't involve Barbie or Paris Hilton.

Joe is 211