Missed Signals

photo credit-atomicshark
creative commons license


Well, we're off, on what promises to be a great vacation (holiday). We had a mostly good day, with but a small (but typical) interchange at the motel pool after we checked in.

The pool was packed, and noisy. There were kids everywhere. Buddy Boy and Sweet Pea jumped right in, swam around some, and seemed to be having fun.

As I was watching Buddy Boy, he approached a group of kids at one end of the pool. It was apparent that they all knew each other, and were goofing around with each other a bit. Buddy Boy pretty much just inserted himself in the middle of the group and tried to start interacting with them. I couldn't hear what was being said, but then it appeared that (perhaps) they were engaging him and including him in their goofing around. Then I noticed a bit of shoving going on, and the next thing I know Buddy Boy's being shoved a bit forcefully by one of the kids. It turns out that after getting pushed lightly a bit, Buddy Boy kicked him in the groin below the surface of the water. I guess I'd be upset, too. By this time I could tell that something was definitely wrong, and Liz started towards that end of the pool to see what was up (I asked Liz to go, because there were a group of mothers down there, and I thought that perhaps a female touch would go over better than me going down there). Before she gets there the mom of the other boy is pointing at Buddy Boy and shouting that Buddy Boy kicked her son in his private parts (and of course the pool gets pretty quiet, and everyone turns to pay attention).

Buddy Boy, having been shoved a bit hard, comes out of the pool crying loudly. So now the other mother is starting to shout, and Buddy Boy is getting louder. Liz pulled the "A" card (you know, sometimes my son overreacts a little, he's autistic).

Amazingly, it worked. The other mother abruptly stopped, said she understood, and sat back down. We quieted Buddy Boy down, and the kids got back to playing in the water.

Liz says that this incident was pretty typical for Buddy Boy, when he doesn't have someone right by his side facilitating his interactions and intervening. I must admit that I haven't seen things escalate so quickly in the past (okay, maybe I have selective memory), but she sees him more at school, and interacts with his teachers more. Evidently stuff like this happens during recess at school on a fairly regular basis.

Liz and I talked, and we think it's because he just can't read the situation. He doesn't understand how groups of kids that already know each other don't necessarily want someone else to insert themselves into their group. He doesn't get their signals when they tell him to nicely get lost. He doesn't know the difference between gentle playfulness between close friends, and him being a stranger pushing just "that" much harder than they are (which then sets them off, to his surprise and dismay, which escalates his response).

We've tried explanations (which he doesn't want to listen to-"I KNOW"), we've tried a little role playing, which he also doesn't want to partake of. We coach ahead of time, and I always struggle with how far to let him go on his own. I don't want him to have bad experiences, but I also know that eventually he needs to learn to navigate on his own (and it does work, sometimes).

I blame myself for tonight. I should have recognized that the pool was much too crowded, the kids perhaps too tired, and me too lazy to change into a swimsuit and instead sat on the side. I wish I was a bit more like Emily.

Practical Socialization

I have long felt that while supporting Buddy Boy in his socialization skills by taking him to socialization classes was a good thing, that he got just as much good (and perhaps more) from the times I have taken him to McDonald's Play Places. When I take him to a Play Place, I try to let him go out and negotiate for himself, just giving him some tips ahead of time, reviewing casually some things afterward, and intervening (and sometimes hightailing it out of there) only as necessary.

While Buddy Boy's great little surprise the other day is a "one off" for now (we're back to standard conversation mode), he did up and demonstrate a skill yesterday I haven't seen him do before.

We took our annual outing to our local park's carnival that they hold every year in June. We have to pass this fair getting to our house, so there's really no way that we can just forget about taking the kids.

Buddy Boy has always wanted to go on some of the "big kid" rides, and this year he's tall enough to qualify to ride. We went in the late afternoon. It was a pleasantly cool day for this time of year around here (about 76F/24C), and while there were some people there, there weren't a lot of older kids there yet (I imagine they all come out after dark, just like we did when we were young).



The first ride Buddy Boy wanted to go on was this one "The Egg". It's kind of like a ferris wheel, but you can lock the car so it goes upside down. Because of the way the seat belt is configured, they won't let you ride it alone. We happened to run into one of the counselors from his school, who was there with her daughter. We asked her daughter if she wanted to ride on that ride, and she said yes. So we had Buddy Boy ask her if she wanted to ride, and they rode it together.

Next Buddy Boy wanted to ride on the ride pictured up top that flips you upside down (over and over again-I think it's called "The Whiz"). This is neither my nor Liz's cup of tea, and again the ride would not let anyone ride in a car single. There was no one else waiting to ride, so we told him he could wait for someone else to come along who wanted to ride. Next came the part that surprised me.

Not wanting to wait all day to ride, and seeing a couple of older kids walking by, Buddy Boy started going up to them and asking them if they wanted to ride on this ride with him. I was flabbergasted. This was something I've never seen him do. This is the kid who doesn't know the names of most of the kids in his class (even by the end of the year), who I only extremely rarely see approach other kids at school functions and the playground, and hardly says a word if someone approaches him. Yet he initiated contact, made his wants known, and successfully persuaded another kid to ride with him on the ride (with the other kid supplying his own tickets-no bribe involved).

He not only did this once, he did it again when we returned to "The Egg" ride for another go.

Now Liz was not as impressed as I was. She quite rightly pointed out that these interactions were more in line with going up to a shop counter and asking for something (which he has done before), and not really actual give and take conversational socializing, making small talk and all. But I was impressed none the less.

I am reminded of the old joke that is often attributed to Winston Churchill:

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course...
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

The fact that (with sufficient motivation) Buddy Boy demonstrates that he'll initiate conversation with strangers (kids his own age, even-much harder for him than adults) gives me hope that he already has the essentials for achieving success in high school and beyond. I just have to help him identify the right motivation.

One other surprise. While I was getting him into bed he said "You know that Black girl that I rode the ride with. It was nice of her to ride with me. And she was kind of cute." I was amazed. Someone that wasn't blond? Who would of thought?

Social Skills School of Hard Knocks

photo credit-angela7dreams
creative commons license

Buddy Boy has some OT time at school, where he basically plays games with other kids, and he also goes once a week to a private class where a facilitator does much the same with a group of kids. Buddy Boy relates reasonably well with adults, but has never done especially well with other kids.

I've often pondered what were the reasons that Buddy Boy doesn't make friends, as well as the reasons that he is sometimes confrontational in encounters. It's not like he doesn't want friends. He laments at times that he doesn't have friends and isn't invited for sleepovers. From observing him at the park, I can say that he doesn't initiate encounters much with other kids, and doesn't respond much if other kids approach him. When I've tried making suggestions to him at the park, he says he doesn't want to play with the other kids, or that he doesn't want to do what they are doing.

I think that the efforts that the OT at school and the social skills class we take him to outside of school are worthwhile, but I also don't think that they are all of the solution. It's one thing to relate to other kids in highly controlled situations, and it's quite another in spontaneous encounters. So I actively supplement Buddy Boy's social skills education by taking him to parks during the summer, and fast food establishments with play areas all year long.

Paying for a 'Happy Meal' is less expensive than what we pay for each social skills class, and I think it's at least as productive. I talk to Buddy Boy ahead of time, reminding him of some of the rules (sharing, not being aggressive, taking turns) and then try to hang back somewhat and see what happens. If I sense a need I'll intervene, but mostly try to let him figure things out on his own. Buddy Boy, of course, thinks that it's all his idea to go to these places, as he's eating out and getting to go play. Which is just fine with me.

This last weekend we went to one of several fast food establishments that has a play area. It's one of my favorites because it also has free wi-fi, so I can catch up on postings on the Autism Hub while I keep an eye on the kids.

Most of the time went fairly well. There was a fairly good size group of kids there, and both Buddy Boy and Sweet Pea seemed to be getting along all right, though most of their play was of the 'parallel play' variety. I don't mind this, as there are always plenty of opportunities when there are several kids around for negotiations between different kids (who gets a turn on the video game next, who's turn is it now on the slide, etc.).

I was just getting ready to have the kids get their shoes back on and get ready to leave when I saw a female adult on the far side of the play area talking to Buddy Boy. I quickly sauntered over to see what was up. You know the walk-not wanting to run over and make a scene, but knowing that something isn't right and wanting to get over there and fix it.

As I approached, I saw a girl of about 4 years old next to the woman crying. Uh oh. The woman informs me that Buddy Boy (who was almost twice the little girl's size) had called the girl a bad name, and had stomped on her foot. I apologized to the woman, asked if her daughter was all right, and proceeded to tell Buddy Boy that he had just forfeited the 'toy' that came in his Happy Meal. This of course started him crying, which in one way made the situation worse, but in another helped us out. The mom started feeling sorry for Buddy Boy, telling me he was trying to protect his sister (Sweet Pea) and that her daughter was all right. I apologized again, quickly got the kids together, and made a hasty retreat out the door. I purposely didn't use the "He's autistic" excuse because I didn't want to further the falsehood that all autistics are violent, and I also didn't want Buddy Boy to get the idea that being autistic was an excuse for bad behavior.

In piecing the incident together with the kids in the car, Sweet Pea indeed had asked Buddy Boy to protect her (why Sweet Pea needed protection from a kid that was a bit smaller than her was unclear). Buddy Boy hasn't had problems with physical aggression at school this year, but often gets reprimanded at home for aggressive actions with us and Sweet Pea. I figure that this girl was similar enough to Sweet Pea's size that he naturally fell into his habitual way of dealing with conflict with Sweet Pea.

I guess we won't be going back to this establishment for a month or two. Luckily I have a few others that are in our rotation.

Even though moments like these are uncomfortable and a bit rocky, I think that necessary lessons are learned in such environments, and without the give and take of free play the lessons put forth in formal social skills classes never have a chance of being generalized.

Oh, and the bad name he had called the girl? 'Stupid white girl'. The mom had obviously processed this as a racial put down by Buddy Boy. While I'm sure that the 'stupid' part was a put down by him, I know that for him the 'white girl' part was just a descriptor, as he didn't know her name. I didn't stop to explain this to the mom, as I was happy to just make a quick exit.

Par-tee!

photo credit-Aroid

Well, this last weekend marked a momentous occasion for Buddy Boy.

He went to a birthday party!!!!!

I was beginning to think he'd never get invited to one again. The last time he was invited to a party was over 2 years ago. When he was 4 he was on the edge of "the parents just invite whoever is in the class, even if they don't know them" stage. He then entered into the "Buddy Boy's the oddball kid who throws tantrums" stage of recognition (by peers and parents) and I thought that his days of going to parties (he had only attended a few, with only limited success) were over.

But one of his classmates from his regular classroom invited him to a birthday party. It was a bowling party, which was a good thing. Bowling used to be something that was definitely sensory overloading. One of the parties that he had gone to a couple years ago was a bowling party, and although he had wanted to go to it, he had a meltdown that was probably sensory in origin (can you think of a place much more loud and echo-ey?).

But last summer he was involved in a summer camp thru Giant Steps, which for those who don't know is a private school that specializes in autism. They had tons of field trips, including a weekly trip to a bowling alley. The long and short of it is that Buddy Boy loved going bowling, to the point of it becoming incorporated into his OCD behaviors. He perseverated for a long time on acquiring a bowling ball. He asked my sister, the chemist, if she could make him one. He googled "free bowling ball" on the web and found dozens of bowling ball sites-"Look dad, I don't think this one costs that much!"

So I was glad that it was a bowling party. It was something he liked, and it had a structure that he would understand, and foster some limited interaction with the other kids.

As it turned out, Liz took him instead of me. I'm usually the designated escort for both kids to parties, but I was involved with taking down a 40 foot pine tree in the back yard, and was up against having not enough time to finish the job.

Liz reported that he did reasonably well. We had written out and reviewed various things with Buddy Boy ahead of time, which we think helps. Buddy Boy didn't have any meltdowns, didn't interact much but remained basically socially appropriate, and said he had a good time. In my mind, a roaring success!

I only hope we have the opportunity to do it again.

This Gentleman Prefers Blonds

One thing that has always been a part of Buddy Boy’s makeup is that he hardly appears to be paying attention to his peers. While he likes adults, knows his teachers’ names, and can relate things that adults in his life did that day, he does not appear to care about kids his age. He doesn’t much like to play with other kids and rarely talks to them. When he comes home from school, he can relate no things he did with any other children, and even after being in the same class with the same kids for two years, could not name any other kids in the class. There is one notable exception to this rule.

My kid digs blond chicks.

This is the only conclusion I can come to, after considering the following:

When in pre-school, there was one girl whose name he knew, and that teachers mentioned he would (sometimes) talk to. It was a girl named Trudy, who happened to be blond.

When in Kindergarten, there was only one classmate that Buddy Boy ever was able to recall, Anna, who was blond. She often tried to look after Buddy Boy and include him with class activities, even though he rarely responded.

Finally, when Liz was taking him to a gym class the other day (run by a local OT who is great at getting Buddy Boy to participate), he indicates this girl in the class who is probably 9 years old (and blond) and tells Liz “That’s my love.” I guess it was all Liz could do to keep herself from cracking up at that point. Here was her son, who hardly ever interacts in any way we recognize with other kids, declaring his love for a girl he doesn’t know (by his own admission, she has only ever asked him “Could you go stand somewhere else?”).

I’m not sure where this “blond thing” comes from. Liz isn’t blond. None of the females in our families are blond. Buddy Boy’s birthmother isn’t blond. Did he have a good experience with Trudy in pre-school, and is now transferring what he feels is her essence (her being blond) to other kids? Is it some innate thing that is expressing itself? Has he internalized this from watching TV?

I am not sure where this has come from, but I wish I understood it, as it seems a powerful force.

I'd love to harness that force, just as long as it doesn't involve Barbie or Paris Hilton.

Joe is 211