When Aspies Meet

So, our first full day in Yellowstone Park we went to visit Old Faithful geyser. We hung around for the 35 minutes or so until the next eruption, and secured ourself a front row seat so the kids would get a good view. Afterwards, when asked how he liked it Buddy Boy replied "I thought it would be bigger". He had seen it in videos before we left, and evidently a 100 foot (30 odd meters) tall plume of water with steam in person didn't measure up to what he thought he saw in the video. But still he liked it, and wanted to stick around until the next eruption.

We started walking around the large boardwalk that is in the general area of Old Faithful, and leads to a number of hot springs and other geyers. While we were walking, we passed another family group who had one young boy who was perhaps 10 years old or so. Buddy Boy walks up to him and says,

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"Did you see Old Faithful?"

Other Boy (OB): "Yea, it was great. Did you see Castle Geyser? It's the one back there. It's even bigger."

Buddy Boy (BB): "Old Faithful will erupt again in about one hour."

(OB): "Castle Geyser only erupts once a day. You have to check the schedule at the ranger station. It already erupted today."

(BB): "The magma chamber must be close to the surface here. That water's really hot."

(OB): "The water's over 200 degrees."

(BB): "Only special types of bacteria and algae can live in the water."

(OB): "Castle Geyser is older than Old Faithful. You should check the sign by the building over there, so you can see it erupt next time."

(Voice from mother of Other Boy, who has walked about 100 feet farther down the walk with the rest of her family): "Jordan! We need to go."

(BB): "Wow, you're even smarter than me!"
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Now, of course, I have no idea whether Jordan (the Other Boy) was on the spectrum or not. But I really enjoyed watching the brief exchange between these two young lads. They both appeared to genuinely enjoy talking to each other. Buddy Boy does not often hold down conversations with other people (though when he does, it usually involves topics of special interest). And whether or not Jordan was on the spectrum, there was much recognizable about him-his walk, his speech patterns, the way he kind of looked at Buddy Boy without really looking at him, etc.-that resonated with me and reminded me very much of Buddy Boy.

It was also kind of cool how Buddy Boy identified another person (whether randomly or not, I don't know) who shared his interest in geysers. Buddy Boy was even impressed enough with Jordan that he payed him the ultimate compliment ("You're even smarter than me!"). Buddy Boy always insists that he's smarter than I am.

Anyway, that's how we spent our first full day in Yellowstone.

Conversation

photo credit-antony_mayfield
creative commons license

So, we were all sitting and watching a video tonight from the library about slavery during the 1600's in America. It was really well done, and quite fascinating. Did you know that during this time period 20% of the population of New York was African-American? And that Carolina had twice as many slaves as there were whites? I never saw any of that in my history books in school.

Buddy Boy was doing what he usually does, which is add his own running commentary (actually, it's more like interjecting facts he knows-or thinks he knows-about the subject). At one point he says "Mom, I have to tell you what I was going to tell you about before". "Can it wait?" Liz asked. "No, I need to tell you right now." "Is this something I won't like?" (we've been working on trying to get Buddy Boy to filter out some of the naughty words he likes to repeat-usually silly stuff regarding genitals and potty humor). "No, you'll like it." "OK, what is it?" Liz asked. After a pause Buddy Boy said, "That's OK, I won't tell you now." "No, that's OK, (putting the video on pause) you can tell me". "No, mom, I'll tell you later." "Why don't you want to tell me now?"

"Because it doesn't have to do with what we're watching".

I was speechless. This is the kid who loves to ramble and free associate from one subject to the next, and seemingly randomly go back to something he was discussing 3 days ago, and has real problems with taking turns in a conversation. And he had stopped and considered that maybe it wasn't the most appropriate time to discuss something. I've never been aware that he's done that before! Ever!

I thought it was way cool. No out and out prompting, no modeling, just decided to do it himself, out of the blue.

After complimenting him on being so thoughtful, we had to find out what he so wanted to tell us. It had something to do with grapes.

The Child Whisperer

photo credit-shutterblog


There's an acquaintance of mine that lives in the Seattle area (I'll call him Ed). He lived in Asia for several years, then moved back to the states. His wife and he ended up divorcing, and his two sons lived with him. They were still pre-teens/early teens, and the divorce was as hard (or harder) on them as it was on him.

Ed is a counselor by training and profession, and after the divorce had problems with his own two kids acting out. He related to me once how every night when they were sleeping he would sit by their bedsides and whisper softly to them. He would tell them how much he loved them, and talk positively about some aspect of each child each day. He said there's no way of telling if this ever influenced them, but gradually they all got better.

Something about this story struck me, and as I was a new father at the time (we had recently adopted Buddy Boy) I incorporated this into my bedtime routine with him, and later with Sweet Pea.

So in addition to reading and singing to the kids, I would whisper things to them. I would tell them about how great they were, how Liz and I loved them to the moon and back, and about all the wonderful things they would do when they grew up.

I don't do this as much with Sweet Pea or Buddy Boy at bedtime anymore, but I have continued this with Buddy Boy in the middle of the night.

Buddy Boy, like many kids on the spectrum, has had some problems with toilet training. His sister pretty much self trained at 3 years old, but with Buddy Boy it's always been a bit of a struggle. At 7 he's fine during the day, but unless we wake him up to take him to the bathroom during the night he's sure to be wet in the morning. Even with taking him at night there are still about 30% wet mornings, but at least if he's been taken at night it's confined to his pullups, and doesn't spread to the rest of the bed.

When I take him to the bathroom and lead him back to bed he's basically sleepwalking. If I don't guide him where to go he would probably bump into something. After taking him back to bed I will usually whisper a few things to him. I tell him what a great kid he is, and how I'm proud of him because of (something that he did good that day). I tell him how much fun I have with him, and how happy I am that I'm his father. I don't make it too long, and whisper very softly, for I don't want to wake him up (especially as we've been having sleep issues).

Usually he just lies there, looking as beautiful and peaceful as he did as a baby. But sometimes as I'm talking I see a smile come across his lips, and I know that I've penetrated his subconscious on some level.

It's one of those pure father and son moments that bind us together. I think it helps both of us know that no matter how hard things are, we will always have our love for each other. And that that love makes the two of us together stronger than the sum of what each of us brings to the table.

I'm going to miss this when he doesn't need us anymore to assist him in the middle of the night. I might have to slip into his bedroom just to whisper to him for the heck of it.

Speaking of Magma

Today we celebrated Sweet Pea's 5th birthday. She's been looking forward to this for weeks. We've been counting down the days. My daughter has enough exuberance for the whole family. She gets excited over the most ordinary things. So when things out of the ordinary happen, she's over the top. Yesterday she says "Tomorrow's my birthday, everybody's going to be there, and I'll get to have CAKE! and ICE CREAM!, and PRESENTS!!!" I didn't think she'd ever get to sleep last night.

Rather than have a large kids party, we went with a fairly sedate celebration with just family (immediate family, aunt, uncle, and one great aunt). She wasn't sure what kind of theme she wanted for her party, but just said "Just so it's not BOY stuff." So we went with butterflies and flowers (all over the walls, with some butterflies hanging from threads from the ceiling), with a sun hanging from the light above the dining room table.

During the day today Liz did Sweet Pea's nails. Sweet Pea has been wanting to have nail polish for some time now, and Liz said she couldn't have it until she was 5. It was the first thing Sweet Pea showed me when I got home. "Look, daddy!" "It's pink, my favorite color!" "First we put on the polish, then we put on some oil, then we had to let it sit for a loooong time."

We had salad and pizza for dinner, then the required cake, ice cream, and presents. Sweet Pea had a great time. Buddy Boy had picked out a birthday card for her (with her favorite on it-Disney princesses). He can be very thoughtful, and does know what his sister likes.

Buddy Boy likes to talk (about things HE likes to talk about). He goes to social skills classes, which we think are helping him in responding appropriately to others, as well as getting his needs across.

We're sitting at the dinner table talking about my sister's dogs. Sweet Pea asks if they are females (they both are), and expresses the wish that they'll have puppies. I try to placate Sweet Pea by saying that they won't have puppies because they're both female dogs, and you need a daddy dog and a mommy dog to make babies. My sister decides to tell her that they both had operations so that they wouldn't have any babies (more information than I would have given, but oh, well). Buddy Boy jumps in with "So they won't have any puppies, Sweet Pea. And speaking of Magma, did you know that it isn't called magma once it's out of the volcano. Then it's lava. And there are 3 different types of volcanoes. You'd know this if you watched my videos, dad. There are cinder cones, composite volcanoes, and shield volcanoes... ." He then went on for about 3 minutes straight talking about volcanoes, the Pacific "ring of fire" where many volcanoes are located, how you can't always tell that a volcano is really dormant, etc. before we finally cut him off.

My wife's aunt (84 years young) loved it. I think she was about to pee her pants. All of us found it fairly amusing. I admired the way Buddy Boy was able to spot a brief lull in the conversation, say something related, and steer the conversation (even if a bit crudely) to a topic he wanted to talk about. It's good to know he's getting our money's worth out of those social skills classes.

So all in all it was a great day. Sweet Pea had a good time, Buddy Boy was able to cope well for most of the party (though he and Sweet Pea did argue a bit about a doll she got with blond hair-he does like blonds, after all). And I didn't have to get into a long description of getting a dog spayed, and why, and answer questions about people getting spayed, etc.

And in checking on the net before I posted, I found out that geologists generally agree that there are 4 different types of volcanoes (how could Buddy Boy have forgotten Lava Domes?). I can't wait to tell him in the morning.

Joe is 211