Halloween

I don't think I'm going to leave these pics up a long time, but don't think it will hurt to have them up a little while.

We all went out "Trick or Treating" (those outside of the US, I'll let you Google it) for Halloween. Sweet Pea was Raggedy Ann, and Buddy Boy was Bill Nye, the science guy.



I was happily surprised that Sweet Pea decided to go with Raggedy Ann, over her usually preferred princess outfits. Liz sewed several different borders on the costume until she was satisfied that it looked just right.



We really had a lot of fun with the Bill Nye costume. My sister is a chemist, so she served as supplier of the lab "schwag". In addition to the usual pipets, gloves, and the like, his candy container was a giant beaker labeled "Bill Nye's Sugar Experiment" on the side, and with gradations that said "Not enough sugar, Just enough sugar, and Too much sugar" on the side. My sister got some ideas and bits from some of the geeky guys she works with (who now have a picture of Buddy Boy up in their lab).


As might be expected, not everybody got his costume (even though the ID we made him had a "Nye Labs" logo, and his name Bill Nye with Science Guy underneath it. Those that got it loved it. And of course Buddy Boy, who considers himself a scientist, loved it (this morning he told us his new name is Bill Nye the second.



At one stop Buddy Boy broke into the Bill Nye theme song (I cut him off after he got to "Science Rules!" and then continued with "Bill Nye the Science Guy is brought to you by ..."), and at another he made a point of mentioning "That's real Parafilm, you know".



All of us had a lot of fun, and the kids didn't even notice when Liz and I were pilfering some of the chocolate for ourselves. Both of them did a good job with their manners, and Buddy Boy even was able to tell a joke (it's somewhat of a local Halloween tradition that when you ring the bell and say Trick or Treat, you're also supposed to tell the people a joke in order to get your treat).

The joke was the old "knock, knock" joke:

--------------
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Boo who, why are you crying?
---------------

At least neither of them went as James Watson. Now that would be scary!

Gone Fishing

For a variety of reasons, I've neglected this blog for a the last 11 days. I've been avidly following Autism Diva's excellent postings (like this one) on the autism omnibus hearings in federal court, as well as reading many truly excellent posts on a lot of other blogs. I've rejoiced that Bev's rapier satirical wit (and consummate graphical skills) over at Asperger Square 8 are getting the recognition they deserve, as one of her illustrations got picked up in an Arthur Allen article in Slate. And I've felt down as yet more reports of abuse and murder of the disabled continue to come in.

I'm also a teaching physician, and the year for our residents ends this week, and another year starts next week. I've been busy finishing things up the last couple weeks, and I'll be especially busy the next 6-8 weeks, as I help to get the new residents settled in.

But before I go into "occasional posting" mode, I'd like to relate what happened over the last couple of weeks when I took the kids fishing.



The local park district had a "family fishing day" at one of the local parks. They stocked the ponds ahead of time, and it sounded like a nice way to spend the day. So I took the two kids out, and we had a good time (mostly). Like a good dad, I was in charge of baiting the hooks (with worms), untangling lines, and assisting with casting (as well as keeping the kids out of everyone else's area).

I had taken the kids out twice last year, without any luck, as well as once earlier this year, which was unsuccessful. But the kids wanted to go (and I love to fish, though I don't get much chance lately), and I thought we would have a good time.

Sweet Pea took right to it this time, and hauled in 7 fish. Buddy Boy didn't catch any. After Sweet Pea had caught 4, I had them change spots and change poles, but it was no use. Sweet Pea continued to haul them in. It wouldn't have been so bad, except that with her competitive nature she just had to lord it over Buddy Boy. This caused Buddy Boy to lose interest in fishing, so I let him go dig some holes in the dirt with a stick (one of his favorite activities), while I got our stuff together. Then we all headed over to the playground equipment, which made them both happy.



The following week (last week) Sweet Pea had started day camp, but Buddy Boy still had not, so I took him fishing again with me when I had a day off. This time he was successful, and caught 4 fish. We probably caught the same fish he's holding in the picture four times, but that was fine with him and me. We also spent some time playing at the edge of a fountain, and on some of the playground equipment. It was a good day.

When we picked Sweet Pea up from camp that day Buddy Boy told her about catching fish. I expected her to a) get upset that we went without her, and b) emphasize that her fish were bigger and she caught more. To my surprise (and delight) she did neither.

Instead, what she said when she heard was "Way to go, Buddy Boy! That's great!". I couldn't believe my ears. As soon as I could catch my breath, I made sure to praise her for being such a good sister by celebrating Buddy Boy's catch.

Raising kids is never boring. And even though it can be challenging at times, the good surprises that happen make it all great.

I'll continue hanging out in the blogoshere, but probably won't post quite so much for the next couple months. But I'll be thinking about all of you.

Joe

Sex Ed

photo credit-Just Some Chick with a Camera

I knew that there would come a time that we would have to talk about the birds and the bees with the kids. Little did I know that questions would come so soon...

As you may recall, Sweet Pea has had a fascination with having a baby for over a year now. It's not quite an obsession, just something that never seems to be far from the surface.

Liz related this story to me the day it happened. A couple of weeks ago Liz was driving Sweet Pea home from pre-school. They were on the way to pick up Buddy Boy from his school. Sweet Pea, ever the little Miss Gabby, was going on about all the kids at school, the birthday party she was going to that weekend, and what she wanted for dinner.

All of a sudden she jumps right in with "When the man puts the seed in the woman, does it hurt?"

Liz reads a lot of science stuff with Buddy Boy. He knows a lot of facts about a lot of stuff. Sweet Pea usually acts as if she's not paying attention, but evidently when they were talking vaguely about sexual reproduction in some animal she was all ears.

When Liz related this to me, I was like "What? Well, what did you say?" I usually believe in not lying about such things, but 5 years old??? I was hoping she came up with some distraction or vague answer. Failing that, I must admit that I hoped she lied.

"I told her no, it didn't hurt".

"What?! Have you forgotten that we were raised Catholic? Are you totally unaware of the power of instilling guilt? You should have told her that there was nothing more painful in the whole universe (I was only half joking)! Then what did she say?"

"That she wanted a hot dog for dinner."

I am so not ready for any of this yet.

Speaking of Magma

Today we celebrated Sweet Pea's 5th birthday. She's been looking forward to this for weeks. We've been counting down the days. My daughter has enough exuberance for the whole family. She gets excited over the most ordinary things. So when things out of the ordinary happen, she's over the top. Yesterday she says "Tomorrow's my birthday, everybody's going to be there, and I'll get to have CAKE! and ICE CREAM!, and PRESENTS!!!" I didn't think she'd ever get to sleep last night.

Rather than have a large kids party, we went with a fairly sedate celebration with just family (immediate family, aunt, uncle, and one great aunt). She wasn't sure what kind of theme she wanted for her party, but just said "Just so it's not BOY stuff." So we went with butterflies and flowers (all over the walls, with some butterflies hanging from threads from the ceiling), with a sun hanging from the light above the dining room table.

During the day today Liz did Sweet Pea's nails. Sweet Pea has been wanting to have nail polish for some time now, and Liz said she couldn't have it until she was 5. It was the first thing Sweet Pea showed me when I got home. "Look, daddy!" "It's pink, my favorite color!" "First we put on the polish, then we put on some oil, then we had to let it sit for a loooong time."

We had salad and pizza for dinner, then the required cake, ice cream, and presents. Sweet Pea had a great time. Buddy Boy had picked out a birthday card for her (with her favorite on it-Disney princesses). He can be very thoughtful, and does know what his sister likes.

Buddy Boy likes to talk (about things HE likes to talk about). He goes to social skills classes, which we think are helping him in responding appropriately to others, as well as getting his needs across.

We're sitting at the dinner table talking about my sister's dogs. Sweet Pea asks if they are females (they both are), and expresses the wish that they'll have puppies. I try to placate Sweet Pea by saying that they won't have puppies because they're both female dogs, and you need a daddy dog and a mommy dog to make babies. My sister decides to tell her that they both had operations so that they wouldn't have any babies (more information than I would have given, but oh, well). Buddy Boy jumps in with "So they won't have any puppies, Sweet Pea. And speaking of Magma, did you know that it isn't called magma once it's out of the volcano. Then it's lava. And there are 3 different types of volcanoes. You'd know this if you watched my videos, dad. There are cinder cones, composite volcanoes, and shield volcanoes... ." He then went on for about 3 minutes straight talking about volcanoes, the Pacific "ring of fire" where many volcanoes are located, how you can't always tell that a volcano is really dormant, etc. before we finally cut him off.

My wife's aunt (84 years young) loved it. I think she was about to pee her pants. All of us found it fairly amusing. I admired the way Buddy Boy was able to spot a brief lull in the conversation, say something related, and steer the conversation (even if a bit crudely) to a topic he wanted to talk about. It's good to know he's getting our money's worth out of those social skills classes.

So all in all it was a great day. Sweet Pea had a good time, Buddy Boy was able to cope well for most of the party (though he and Sweet Pea did argue a bit about a doll she got with blond hair-he does like blonds, after all). And I didn't have to get into a long description of getting a dog spayed, and why, and answer questions about people getting spayed, etc.

And in checking on the net before I posted, I found out that geologists generally agree that there are 4 different types of volcanoes (how could Buddy Boy have forgotten Lava Domes?). I can't wait to tell him in the morning.

Joe is 211

A (mostly good) Reunion

In the movies, reunions are usually all good. The music builds, knowing glances are exchanged, and it all works out neat and clean. Seldom are things quite so clear cut in real life.

Our kids' birthmother, Kelly, is basically a good person who doesn't always make good decisions. She's had 3 kids with three different men, none of whom ever stuck around. She is raising the oldest one, Jeffrey, who is now 10 years old. The other two, Buddy Boy, 7, and Sweet Pea, 5, are our kids. She doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. Kelly has worked fairly menial jobs in her past, but is now on partial disability following an on the job injury to her hand a couple of years ago. Other than a scar following a surgery, the hand appears grossly to work fairly well to me. She works 20 hours/week in a retail setting.

Yesterday afternoon we arrived in Kelly's city and drove out to her apartment to see her. She keeps a neat apartment. When I walk in one of the things I notice is a bookcase packed floor to ceiling with several hundred movie DVD's in it. The kids notice her cat, and take off after it. I try to at least get them to be a little more gentle with the cat.

Sweet Pea is initially friendly, but when Jeffrey comes home from school and Kelly's mom, Neenah, comes over she very uncharacteristically gets very reserved and retreats to the back bedroom and refuses to come out. Sweet Pea is destined for things like class president, she's so social. I've never seen her this way. I follow her back to the room and attempt to reassure her and hold her. After a while she comes out, but is still very reluctant to be very interactive. A while later she sits in Kelly's lap, and seems to loosen up some more.

Kelly, for her part, is much more evenhanded with Buddy Boy this go around. She talks to him about school, and gives him a hug and kiss. She also talks about wanting to get out of her apartment, and wanting to buy a house. She mentions that the realtors wanted $1000 as a down payment, which she doesn't have. She wants to get a house that will have a payment the same as her monthly rent (~$400). We try to gently explain that she's in a relatively good situation now (bills getting paid, no debt), and that there are a lot of hidden costs of home ownership. She says that she wants a house so that she has something to leave Jeffrey. I relate to her how a relative of mine is about to be forced to declare bankruptcy and lose his house because he got in over his head. She still seems unconvinced. She says the neighbors are noisy, and she's tired of yelling at them. I glance again at the DVD's, which had to have cost at least $4-$5000, and say nothing.

Kelly is pleased with Jeffrey's performance in school (mostly A's and B's, with one C) but didn't know when his spring break was when Liz called to arrange our getting together, and doesn't know which middle school he'll be going to if they stay in the same apartment.

I think that many people that have adopted don't like to have contact with the birthparents just because it's uncomfortable for them. Adoption, by it's nature, often brings together people from different socioeconomic classes, with different value systems and different outlooks in general. As much as we in America pride ourselves on having an egalitarian society with no class system, most of us do not usually associate closely with members of society that are very different from ourself. Liz and I are committed to having our kids know their birthmother (she has no contact info for their birthfathers), even though it isn't always the most comfortable thing for us. I know that although our family finances are sometimes a bit strained, we look like Rockefellers to Kelly and her family.

In making small talk Kelly mentions how Sweet Pea is fairly leggy, and she wouldn't expect her to be tall, as her daddy isn't. Autism isn't the only subculture that has "language issues". I bristle a bit at having her birthfather who's never laid eyes on her being referred to as "her father". After strapping on a "Baby Bjorn" with Sweet Pea every other night for the first 4 months of her life, walking the floor trying to comfort her, and catching cat naps with her still strapped to me in the Lazy Boy (until we finally got her esophageal reflux correctly diagnosed and treated), I think the term "her Daddy" belongs to me, and me alone. But I know she means no harm and is referring to the short (5'4") stature of Sweet Pea's birthfather, and let it slide. I also know that in the eyes of the only one who really counts, I will always be "Her Daddy".

We leave her place and all go back to our motel to take a swim in the pool. The pool isn't too big, but it doesn't matter as we have it to ourselves. Swimming is great at lubricating the rough spots for all of us, and we all seem to loosen up.

Today was much easier all around. We did some touristy things during the day with the kids, then Kelly and Jeffrey came over after he got off school. We went swimming again. Sweet Pea is much more her gregarious self today. She is relaxed with Kelly, and hanging on Jeffrey. She seems determined to keep up with the boys in the pool, and lets them each take a hand and jump in all together. It's a Hallmark moment.

Afterwards we all go out to eat for dinner. Buddy Boy now starts to decompensate, asking why we have to go home tomorrow, and lamenting that we haven't had enough time with "Aunt Kelly" and Jeffrey. The last two days have found him to be more interactive than either Liz or I have ever seen him with another boy. We think he likes the idea of having an older brother.

At the restaurant Kelly's half sister drops by to meet the kids. Before she comes in Kelly volunteers that her sister wasn't when the kids were born because she was in prison. Her sister seems nice enough. I cringe at the mention of prison only because it is one of my innermost worst fears of possible futures for Buddy Boy.

We all exchange hugs goodbye when we leave the restaurant. Buddy Boy basically holds it together, though it's obvious he's very emotional at leaving. I'm glad we came. It's really important to me that the kids have some sense of where they've come from. I think it will help them in the future, so I'm willing to endure whatever small discomfort we have to now. I'm also thankful, though, that there's 300 miles of freeway between us and their birthmother. Like with inlaws, sometimes a little space is good.

Tomorrow, it's back on the road again. No more time tonight to find a nice picture for the header, or even to clean up my syntax.

Anticipation

photo credit Ed Wilson

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day. ...

Anticipation-Carly Simon

There was a lot of anticipation in the Club 166 family today. It's been three years since we've visited the kids' birthmother. Buddy Boy hasn't expressed much of an opinion one way or the other on the trip lately. Until last night, when he said he was going to give "Aunt Kelly" (what we call his birthmother) all of his money so that she could buy a house. Because she was poor and lived in an apartment, so we could buy her a house, or he would just give her money so she could.

"Um, Buddy Boy, that's very generous of you, but I think that you would really hurt her feelings if you did that. Also, just because somebody lives in an apartment doesn't mean they are poor. Mom and I have lived in lots of apartments. So don't say anything about her being poor, and I bet she'd really like it if you gave her and Jeffrey (their 10 year old biological half brother that Kelly is raising) a lot of smiles."

Liz and I have always pursued an "honesty is the best policy" when it comes to talking to the kids regarding their adoption history. Adoption has always been a part of our lexicon, and their birth and adoption stories have also often been discusssed. We've told them that their birthmother loved them, but was not going to be able to take care of them when they were born, and thus made an adoption plan for them, and selected us to be their parents. We've never used the word poor to refer to her, but somehow Buddy Boy has inferred that because she wasn't going to be able to take care of him or Sweet Pea before, and she still lives in an apartment, then she must be poor.

Liz and I were a little anxious about the trip. When we adopted Buddy Boy we agreed to what's called a "semi-open" adoption. That's where the new parents agree to a specified number of pictures/updates over a certain period of time. Our relationship with the kids' birthmother (they both have the same birthmother) has morphed into an open one, with cards, pictures, and letters exchanged on holidays/birthdays, and the one previous trip that we took 3 years ago for a visit (in addition to the time we spent together the 2 times we adopted the kids). When we visited 3 years ago it was obvious to us that Kelly payed a lot of attention to Sweet Pea, and not much attention at all to Buddy Boy (after contacting us and asking us if we wanted to adopt Sweet Pea when she was born, Kelly almost changed her mind in the days following her birth, because 'She had always wanted a girl'). We didn't want a repeat episode of Buddy Boy getting the short end of the stick.

Sweet Pea, for her part, has been counting down the days until we visited "Aunt Kelly". She has pictures from the last trip in a photo album on a shelf in her room, but she doesn't really remember the last trip (she was just shy of two years old). Last night, however, she seemed to be having second thoughts. "I don't want to go tomorrow, Daddy. It's going to take too long in the car, my legs will get stiff, and it's not going to be any fun."

"But don't you want to go see "Aunt Kelly" and Jeffrey? They both love you very much, and I know that they want to see you." [Sweet Pea gives me a sidelong long turned half away from me-I'm not quite sure how to interpret this] "Get some good sleep, sweety pie. It's a long trip, but remember there's a swimming pool at the motel. We'll all go swimming when we're there. It'll be fun." (Reminding her about the swimming pool is a cheap ploy, but I knew it would work. Both kids are suckers for swimming pools. In fact, I think they'd be just as happy for our annual vacation if we stayed in our home town and checked into a motel with a swimming pool).

The trip itself was fairly uneventful. Buddy Boy is a good traveler (riding in the car was always something that soothed him as a child). Riding in the car with both Buddy Boy and Sweet Pea for 5 hours brings the usual sibling squabbles one would expect between kids that are 7 and almost 5. We strategically put the laptop briefcase between them on the backseat as a pseudo barrier, but of course they're big enough to reach over it and poke the other one when they really want to (which is fairly often).

About half way there, Buddy Boy asked me what the red button on the dash was for (the emergency flasher button). I of course told both kids that if I pushed it, anyone in the back seat was ejected from the car (I've never claimed to be the perfect father). Buddy Boy immediately countered "You can't do that! It's against the law! Parents are supposed to take care of their kids!"

Liz gave me a dirty look and said "Kids, your father has something to tell you." "Well, it's really the emergency flasher button", I said. (Liz has no sense of humor sometimes). A couple of stops for gas, food, and bladders, and we arrived without a hitch.

Tomorrow's blog-we meet again...

Joe is on the road, eating junk food, and there isn't a scale in sight...

Searching

Sweet Pea will turn 5 this month. She's just a little over 2 years younger than Buddy Boy. She's always been a typical younger sister. Pretty much equal parts adoring, competitive, and annoying to her older brother. She is outgoing, charming, willful, has a smile that lights up a room, and gets excited and happy about ordinary things.

Because Buddy Boy gets up earlier than Sweet Pea, she goes to bed approximately 30 minutes later than he does. Our routine is that for that last 30 minutes at least 20 minutes is spent reading to her.

Lately Sweet Pea has been somewhat fixated on us reading "An American Tail, an illustrated story" for her bedtime reading. This is a big departure from her usual desired fair- children's animal fables, collections of short children's stories, and her all time favorites, Disney princess stories.

An American Tail is a fairly long (63 pages) and fairly wordy book for a soon to be 5 year old. It's long enough that we have to break the book up over at least 3-4 nights to finish it. The book tells the story of a Russian mouse emigrant in the 1880's who is washed overboard on the voyage to America, and is separated from his family. He makes it to America in a bottle, and the rest of the story is a series of adventures in New York City while he searches for, and is eventually reunited with, his family.

Both Buddy Boy and Sweet Pea are adopted. Although we have pictures of their birth parents up in their rooms, occasionally send or get a card from her birthmother, and visited their birthmother once about a year and a half ago, Buddy Boy hasn't expressed more than a passing interest in his being adopted. It's harder to tell with Sweet Pea. She talks about her birthmother more, but it may be because Sweet Pea is more interested in the whole pregnancy/birthing process right now. When Sweet Pea mentions that she wants to have a baby, we start our mantra- "First you have to go to college, then you have to get a job. Then you can send your parents to Hawaii. :) Then you can get married if you want to, and then you can have a baby".

I've been wondering if Sweet Pea's interest in An American Tail is rooted in a vague feeling of abandonement because of adoption. My reading tells me that kids this age wonder what they may have done to make their birthmother not love them or want them. I also wonder if she feels the burden yet of being "different" from her peers in pre-school, because of her having been adopted. We talk about her adoption story, and reassure her that she had nothing to do with the circumstances that led up to her being placed for adoption. We also reassure her that we will always be there for her, and that we will love her always.

But I sometimes worry, with all the energy that is taken up with dealing with Buddy Boy's autism, are we missing obvious signs of things Sweet Pea needs from us? I guess all we can do is try to pay attention, and keep on loving them both, 100%, every day.

Joe is 209